New Umpire

A baseball league needed a new umpire. They called a meeting of all the team owners, and some select coaches. The league commissioner had picked the new umpire, but they all wanted to check things out for themselves. The meeting was gaveled to a start and an owner approached the perspective official.

“So whadda ya think about ball and stikes?”, he said in a rather friendly tone.

The potential umpire looked confused. Ball were balls, strikes were strikes. What kind of a question was this? He ventured what, to himself, seemed like a rather silly answer, but it seemed to please the swaggering owner who then took a seat.

Two of the older coaches – who had both been coaching for a considerable time – stood up. The taller one started off.

“Now if my team is gonna play his team,” and he pointed to the shorter coach.

“So if our teams play each other, and my pitcher is pitching to his cleanup...”

The umpire nodded that he followed so far.

“So if my pitcher throws the ball, will you call it a strike or a ball?”

The first question was a bit odd, but this was incredible. How should he know what he'd call? It depended on what was thrown. He couldn't answer that question, and he said so.

The shorter, and apparently more passionate, coach exploded.

“What do you mean you can't answer that!”, he screamed.

The hostility surprised the umpire. How was he supposed to respond to these questions? It's not like he made up the rules. He just read the rules and did his best to call 'em like he saw 'em. But before he could respond, a young owner sprang to his feet.

“So what do you like better? Balls or strike?”

Looking towards the owner the umpire thought about the question. Honestly it was one he'd never thought of before. Really, he didn't care much one way or the other. He was about to explain that when another owner – seemingly at the encouragement of his peers – joined the questioning.

“Well, what do you like better – pitching or hitting?”

Now that question the umpire had an answer for. He smiled because this was the first question he could actually answer. But right before he began to speak he had a thought. If he told them, they would accuse him of favoritism every time he made a call they didn't like. He paused and explained that he didn't think it was wise to answer this one.

The shorter coach didn't like that.

“What do you mean you can't answer that!”, he screamed again.

The first owner calmed everyone down and the slowly formulated his next question.

“Exactly what is your position on designated hitters? Do you think it's a good idea?”

The umpire knew he had a strong opinion here. He'd spoken to the chairman about it, he'd written about, his wife had even talked about it. But he wasn't sure what this question was really about. His job wasn't to make the rules, just follow them. Why was he being asked these questions?

It was then that the founding owner of the league stood up.

“I have one question, just one.”

Everyone turned to look at him as he continued.

“Will you follow the rules?”

The umpire was relieved to finally hear a clear, straightforward question.

“Yes, I'll follow the rules.”

The owner smiled.

“That's good enough for me.”

And the owner sat down.

Such a silly little story. But that's exactly what will happen when John Roberts is confirmed.